One day God dropped by Noah's front porch while he was sitting on his rocking chair,
his corn cob pipe dangling from his mouth, his cap perched on one side of his head. For
Noah was into appearances. His wife did sew an alligator on his shirt. Which made it a bit
difficult for him to stand up let alone walk around. His friends thought it was just a
crock.
"Hey Noah, sorry to disturb you but there's a problem with the pipes."
"You're the landLord" retorted Noah "Its your job."
"Don't get uppity I'm doing you a favor. Listen, there's going to be a major
leak and I'm not talking about tomorrow's Times. You had better be prepared."
"When?" asked Noah in alarm. "In about 100 years" replies God.
"Phew," exhaled Noah, "What's the rush - I can do it after I come back from
Aruba." With a hint of exasperation, God said, "Why can't I find good help
lately?"
Noah jumped, "When you're right you're right" and began to run. "Where
are you going?" asked God. "To up my household insurance," replied Noah.
God smacked his hand to his forehead. "Oy, what a twit! Come back, I haven't created
insurance agents or lawyers. As a matter a fact if you behave I promise never to create
lawyers." Noah wasn't smart enough to ask for it in writing.
"What should I do?" wondered Noah. So God told him to build an ark and to
take two of every creature large and small, even those things that make you wince when you
touch them. They should be male and female - straight only.
Noah heeded God's words and spent the next 50 years (boy was he slow) building the
biggest Ark you can imagine. When it was finished Noah sent God an invitation to a cheese
and wine party to view his work. It stood 120 hand-breadths high but was kind of lopsided.
For no one really knew what a hand-breadth was. Try to go to your local hardware store and
say "I want a 1/4 handbreadth drill" - see how far that will get you.
Anyway the great day came and God looked down and saw a massive shape with a big tarp
covering it. "Ready?" called out Noah and with a flourish he released the cord
and the biggest and most beautiful Ark stood before God. "What the hell is
that?" asked an astonished God. "It's a giant Ark" answered the proud Noah.
"Now we just have to build a synagogue big enough to hold it." God looked like
he just regretted creating the world.
And many more days passed and Noah cut down the biggest trees he could find. And there
were protests. The ark was to be a triplex with central heating and a shuffleboard deck,
but no swimming pool, for God though it pretentious.
So Noah and his family went to the fields, the forests and the stables and tried to
sell a 150-day cruise around the world. But the animals were wary for Noah had failed to
book a few big names first.
Then Noah hit upon a plan. "I'll make it the event of the year. I'll advertise
that Di, Madonna and Arnold with the name I can't spell are coming." Sure enough, the
animals came from the forests, fields, and stables, and the glens, but not the fiord. And
the Lord looked down from heaven and did say "I love it when a plan comes
together"
And Noah did one thing more: He bought out the concession on rubber boots. And he did
set up a pushcart on the side of the Ark and as the rains came down he did waxeth rich.
Then Noah entered the Ark with his wife and his sons and their wives but not the in-laws
for as I said he was a wise man.
It rained for 40 days and nights and the world was steeped in sorrow for the World Cup
was rained out. Then after many days of sailing God remembered Noah. "What took you
so long? It's not as if there are so many people around that you could forget me so
easily." God chose to ignore the sarcasm and slowly the earth began to dry. Noah was
having a bad case of claustrophobia and the smell wasn't too good either.
Finally after 150 days of being cooped up, they landed on a mountain top. Mrs. Noah
wouldn't let anyone out. "Don't think I'm going to let you track mud on my clean
floors" she shouted. So Noah waited many more days and sent out a raven who returned
exhausted. He waited many more and tried to send him out again but the Raven refused. Most
poetically did quoteth the raven, "Nevermore! Find another chump!"
Noah looked around for another sucker and found a dove. He would have sent a pigeon but
they mess up statues terribly and there was a city ordinance against them. The dove stayed
out many days and its wife became jealous and thought he was fooling around on the side.
One bright day he returned with an olive branch in his mouth. "What!" cried
Noah, "After all that time flying around you bring me a branch with a few shrivelled
olives? I don't even have Vermouth... Couldn't you bring me a nice peach?"
"Actually, no," cood the Dove. "But I DID take out the patent on the logo.
What do you think Noah about 'PEACE'?" "It will never sell" rejoined Noah.
All the animals began to leave the Ark. At last only Noah and his wife were left.
"Come," pleaded Noah, "its time to go." "What - are you crazy,
and leave the mess? What will people say?" Noah's wife began to dust and he wondered
if a year on board was just a bit too much.
Then God did speaketh to Noah again "I promise never to send another flood."
"Cross your heart and hope to die?" asked Noah. "Yup", promised God.
And God did show Noah a rainbow to remind people of his promise. Noah was amazed at the
sight. He got his pick and shovel, went to look for the pot of gold, and was never seen
again.
